Negativity

I look back at this blog and I realize how negative I've been. There are so many positives to being an Army wife... and those are the things I point out to people when they stare at me, wide mouthed, after I tell them my husband reenlisted. I am ecstatic about this choice, but you would never imagine that after reading these entries. The only time I come to this website is when I am down and feel I need to vent. The remainder of the days are really ok. I look forward to moving to our next duty station, meeting new people, and getting settled in a new house and school district. I'm a bit of a tomboy, so I like having all his male friends around to bs with. Most of the time I feel I can relate better to guys than girls. I REALLY love the Army wife friends I made at the last duty station, so I feel positive that I'll make many more meaningful, lasting friendships. My husband's career is never in jeopardy... he doesn't have to worry about layoffs! Who can beat that! These are just a FEW of the positives I can list. For a realistic, border optimistic, person I sure seem negative!!! :)

More missions

Things have been a little better lately, with my emotional well-being anyhow. He re-enlisted a few days ago, and I couldn't be happier with his (our) choice. We got our orders, and we'll be stationed 3 and a half hours from home. This weekend, I intend to take a trip out there to check things out. This REALLY gives me something to look forward to. I also need to start checking into the schools out there- from the limited research I've already done, there seem to be a few in the area I'd like teaching for.
Today was the last day I'd talk to him for at least 3 weeks... around the first of November. It was hard, and I did break down when we were saying goodbye, but I certainly feel much stronger this time around than I did last time. I guess the experience was what I needed.
I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I hope I have shown him that I'm strong enough to let some of that strength seep into him. I know he's leaned on me and relied on me for this deployment, so I think I've achieved that much of my goal. I just want to be the best wife that I can.
God, keep my soldier safe.

ANGER

I am really, REALLY, incredibly, extremely, astronomically, impressively... TIRED OF THIS DEPLOYMENT. I am such an angry person today. Not angry at him (though I did go through that stage before the deployment began, followed by denial), but aggressive, unsubstantiated ANGER at anything, everything, and everyone. It's irrational- I see this. It's uncontrollable, though. At least for the moment. I've tried not to be crabby to anyone, and I think for the most part today I've succeeded in saturating everything with a thick layer of faux syrupy sugar. I am so tired of the facade. I'm NOT strong everyday, and dangit, why should I have to pretend I am? Well, rationally I know why I have to... I just wanted to vent. I'm going to take my anger to the gym. That's the only thing that works. That and a good sob.

Au revoir to my sanity.

I'm holding on to you

Goodness, do I ever miss him. There have been some unfortunate events in his unit recently, of which I will not disclose online, but my stress level has just absolutely skyrocketed. It's unbelievable how naive I was before this all started. It's unbelievable how insensitive some people are when it comes to what these soldiers are doing for us. It's also unbelievable how much I feel like I've grown up in the matter of just 2 and a half short months. If I thought I was mature and had it all together before the deployment, I had no idea how much that would actually increase. I look at all these couples who take their spouses presence for granted... couples who take for granted the fact that EVERY NIGHT when they go to bed with their loved one by their side, it's another night of life. We military spouses know there may not be a tomorrow. How can anyone take for granted the fact that they have such peace of mind every night? Knowing that their spouse is safe and secure. I did before. So surely I've answered my own question...

Please God, bring him home. I know you have a path set for him, but I sure hope it includes mine... for a long, long time.

beautiful

"I must go now. Don't hold me with your eyes and reach your heart across the room like that or my own will break. Love you? Of course I love you... That's why I have to go.. Before you know how much. "

This is just beautiful.

My worst fears

I'm glad I have this website, where I can unleash all my fears and pain. I have a hard time doing that with anyone but him, and I told him as much today. I am so terrified of something happening to him over there. I think recently is the first time I've really faced the fact that the outcome of this could be bad. It hits me really hard because he's almost been deployed two months, and I'm JUST coming to terms with this. I should've done this two months ago when he was in my arms. He tried, God did he ever try, to get me to open up about death... to think about it and talk about it with him... but in the end, he did all the talking and I just sat there emotionless. I wish more than anything that I could turn back the hands of time and change that. I wish I would've told him how I felt, how I truly was scared and not brave like I pretend to be, and how if that was the last time I could hold him I wanted to make it count.

I don't know how I would go on without him, I can't even imagine. I know we military wives have to be upbeat and positive, and for the most part I am, but I have my moments of weakeness to. That IS my husband out there, and his job IS dangerous. I'll never always be positive, and I know any military wife will agree with me about that.

I just want him home. I want to hold him and tell him all the things I didn't have the courage or good sense to say two months ago.

I feel ok by day... but OH MAN, when night falls, it's an entirely different story. I sit here, alone, on a Friday night... and yes, it's by choice. I just DON'T want to be around other people right now. Sometimes I try to honestly analyze myself so I don't sink into a depression. Am I depressed? It's hard to tell when I'm so biased towards myself. I don't THINK I'm depressed, but I also don't think it's normal to sit at home alone when I could at least be in the company of others. It can't be normal to ignore phone calls and text messages just because I feel I don't have the strength to pretend my world isn't falling apart. With him gone, I'M gone. I'm not myself. I have the perfect little house in our hometown, RIGHT across the street from the school I teach at. My career is the most fulfilling aspect of my life, second to him. Yet I still don't want to be around other people at night, even though I find pleasure in other things. I really don't know... I hope I'm just in a funk right now. Probably so.

"I want my life back... I want to hear your voice and see your face everyday when I get off. I want what I had when I laid down in the arms of the man that believed in me, and the woman I used to be. I want my life back."

Sometimes I wonder if this deployment will ever end. And then I wonder how on earth I can wonder that only a MONTH into it. I am one of the strongest people in this world, yet I struggle so... It makes me really feel for those spouses who have a hard time finding inner strength. If I am having such a difficult time, I can't imagine how they feel. I thank God everyday for the blessings bestowed upon me. I have a strong, stable marriage,

a career that is fulfilling,

a sense of accomplishment,

beautiful, ambitious dreams,

supportive family,

all my basic needs met,

and a healthy body...

...

Much to be grateful for.

One year wedding anniversary

Yesterday was our one year wedding anniversary. I woke up feeling terribly shaky and unsure of how the day would unravel. I had my friend's wedding to go to (I KNOW, ironic she chose MY anniversary to wed) and she needed me to plaster a smile and faux dynamic positive attitude, so that's what I tried to do. I can honestly say I did enjoy myself, though every minute that passed I couldn't help but feel like I didn't belong there. I belonged with my husband, celebrating our first year of our fabulous marriage. I will say... it was one of the toughest days of my life. I can't remember a time I've been so scared that I was going to break down in front of a group of people.

I love my husband more than anyone in this world, and I hope that soon he will find his peace during this deployment. I'd take all his pain as my own if there was any way possible...

It's almost been officially a month since hubby deployed. I have been great up until this past week... and suddenly, this busy agenda no longer shadows my sadness. I miss him with a passion that I never thought possible. It numbs me to think that I'm starting to forget what it feels like when he holds me. I cling to all these memories, and am disheartened to find some of them slipping. I need this man. Yes, I know that all along, but I think I took it for granted... or perhaps didn't quite see it that way until he was gone. We talk fairly regularly, and I appreciate

the frequency of his calls, but even that doesn't

The girls at a pool hall...

seem to abate the pain. I know I'll be fine, I'm just having a difficult week, with school starting back up and the stress that goes with a fresh school year.
On that note, I absolutely cannot wait to start this school year. I think I have a superb class... several teacher's kids that I already know who are good kids. Then I know of a few stinkers in my class... and they are the ones who make it fun. They are really the ones who keep me on my toes, and make the day fly by. I swear when I'm at school it feels like i'm there 2 hours, rather than 7. That's when you know you love your job.
I love my soldier. Can't wait to have him home on R&R.

Chocolate deployment

Well, my husband has officially been deployed 18 days today. While this isn't the LONGEST we've been apart, it's certainly the longest with limited contact. There are times I miss him so severely I don't seem to remember how to function, and then there are times I feel like I'm going to make it. I assume this is normal. I'm fortunate to have a very active life outside of him (though I'd obviously much rather INCLUDE him in all these activities). I have been busy getting my classroom set up for this upcoming school year. I can't believe it's the year 2009-2010. It's astounding how quickly time flies.
I, being a teacher, have created a visual "countdown", if I may call it that. I have put malted milkballs in one jar with a sad face, and then placed a jar with a happy face next to it. Each day that passes I put one milkball from the sad face jar to the happy face jar. When the happy jar is filled, the deployment is halfway over! I need this tangible evidence of progression, otherwise I might clinically go insane! I suppose I didn't entirely think it through, however, seeing as how the majority of my friends have young children who would LOVE to get their hands on an entire jar of chocolate. Needless to say, the jar has to be closely monitored when they're around (although I think to myself how much faster the deployment would seem to move if they ate just a few... I wish deployment days really worked like that! Ah, I don't want this day, so I'm just going to throw it in the jar and count it towards the progression of the deployment).
Well, my granddad is on his way over to install some shelves in my utility room.

It's been a long while since I've been on here, though I'm unsure why. The past couple months I've lived in New York with hubby have been incredible, but I'll admit there were times I was pretty bored. Why didn't I get online and write a blog? I think there was just too much going through my head, and it exhausted me to even THINK about putting it all into words...

He leaves in two days, and I know he's ready to get it going. I'm ready for him to get it going because it's what he's called to do. Plus, on a more selfish note, I'm ready to get back to a normal lifestyle... not that anything's ever normal in the Army. I'm ready to get back to our home in Oklahoma and back to my teaching job. I'm beyond ready to see my family and friends, and be able to DRIVE MY OWN CAR, instead of asking to borrow his truck. There ARE positives to him leaving, and that's what I'm aiming towards thinking about right now.

Currently, we're moving all the furniture out of our New York house... well, he and a friend are. I'm sitting here waiting on him to bring trash bags so I can clean the house. We hope to be out by tomorrow, and intend to stay in a hotel the next two nights.

I miss home, so I can only imagine how homesick he is.

thinking

Sitting here, listening to my husband talk to his mom on the phone. She's coming up this weekend to spend some time with him before he deploys. I'm really excited that she will be here soon... I positively love my mother-in-law. And I think it will be good for him to see her again before he deploys.
Just thinking about the limited amount of time we have left, and all the things about him I'm going to miss. The way he absentmindedly plays with any object nearby when he's talking on the phone, the look of pure concentration that covers his face when he's seasoning our meat for the grill, or the way he glances periodically through the window of our house to see what I'm up to while I'm inside talking to a friend and he's outside smoking a cig.
This man is my world, and I admire so many things about him. He has helped me become a better person. There were so many negative things about myself that needed improvement before I got back with him. He helped me see these things, without pointing them out a bit.
The world is a better place for having him as a soldier. And I couldn't be happier to say he's mine.

Reminiscing

Last night, I got home from work and did my normal, monotonous routine. I changed into comfy clothes, played the wii for about 30 minutes (mastered the basketball hoop shoot, which I have absolutely NO talent at in reality, so I'm quite pleased with myself), then decided I wanted to take a run.

I changed into my running clothes, stretched, then walked to the high school I attended. When in high school, I had been in MCJROTC and had to run around the school twice, which I likened to about a mile and a half. I thought, "EHHH, only been 8 years since high school, I'm in great shape! I can do this!". So, I broke out in a jog. The evening was warm, and by about the first tenth of a mile I was wishing I had a water bottle. Better yet, an entire swimming pool doused over my sweat-drenched head. I continued to push myself, not really all that tired, but HOT. Once I came to the ROTC building, glanced at the waving Marine Corp flags, yellow-painted cadet footprints on the road, and tried ineffectively to push back the wafting memories... I realized I am JUST NOT IN AS GOOD OF SHAPE AS I WAS. aka I'm getting old. Shhh, don't tell anyone. I walked past the baseball fields. Two men, baseball coaches in tiptop shape, took one look at my beet red face, jogging shorts, and droopy shoulders, and immediately began whispering and giggling. Gee thanks, that's all I needed for my already wounded ego. I ran the rest of the way back to my house- a good half mile at least, then graciously doused myself with a water bottle.
I love being in shape. I intend, this summer while in New York with my husband, to get BACK into shape. With all the PT he will put me through after reading this, I'm sure I won't have a problem. Thank you, honey!

Dippy Doo teacher, who!?!?

Man, do I feel like a complete dippy doo, do-do. I am a 3rd grade teacher, and we are wrapping up the school year (only 2 days left, whooo!!). In order to be released from our contractual duties, we must do several things. I was working on one of them after school today. Last year, my first year teaching, we had to pull the kids' cumulative folders (self explanatory, a collection of important documents from their schooling) to add pertinent documents. IN these cumulative folders are "yellow folders", as we educated people so poorly refer to them (they are folders that are, indeed, yellow, but serve the purpose of assessing the kids' progress on reading fluency, comprehension, etc.). Last year we were to pull the WHOLE cumulative folder from the filing cabinets and put our documents in their cum's. Apparently, this year we were NOT supposed to do this. We were only supposed to pull the yellow folders. Well, guess who missed the memo. I took 40 minutes to go through ALL OF THE 3rd GRADE cum folders in the file cabinet, diligently pulling out all 24 of my kiddos. As I was walking out of the office, the office secretary made a little gasping sound, like she was unable to breathe (which my mistake might have momentarily caused a collapse of the vital organ!!). She informed me of my dippy doo mistake, then smiled brightly claiming she would "file them all back tomorrow, no need to worry!". This, of course, spurred even more humiliation. I did NOT want her to have to do any extra, backbreaking work because of my ignorance. I left the office, practically in tears, then got all my documents filed in my cum's. Tomorrow, I AM FIXING THIS, NOT HER. Hopefully with minimal humiliation.

Pre-deployment issues

So, as much as I love to write, and especially considering my rather naive self-image of my talent, it's rather shocking that I have NEVER had a blog. What a great way for me to express myself, especially during this pre-deployment cry-my-eyes-out-smile-and-love-life-10-minutes-later-stage.
My husband is deploying June 22nd... or is it August 1st? Or is it later in the year? If you know the Army well, you know the likelihood of a SET set deployment date is very slim. Especially, it seems, with my husband's particular unit. I think we have been told 26 different deployment dates/locations, thus causing me to give up a perfectly good apartment (which turned out to be a blessing, more on that later), rent a $300 storage unit (non-refundable, mind you!), and almost take my poor mongrel cats for a huge surgery (ok ok, just declawing, but to me, that's huge!) to accommodate for our new living situation.
Now I'm not complaining. I absolutely do love the Army life. I respect and admire my husband for his expertise in his field, as well as his fiery attitude towards anything patriotic. I am beyond proud of him, and I hope my complaints do not reflect otherwise. There are just times that the Army tries my incredibly strong patience.