My worst fears

I'm glad I have this website, where I can unleash all my fears and pain. I have a hard time doing that with anyone but him, and I told him as much today. I am so terrified of something happening to him over there. I think recently is the first time I've really faced the fact that the outcome of this could be bad. It hits me really hard because he's almost been deployed two months, and I'm JUST coming to terms with this. I should've done this two months ago when he was in my arms. He tried, God did he ever try, to get me to open up about death... to think about it and talk about it with him... but in the end, he did all the talking and I just sat there emotionless. I wish more than anything that I could turn back the hands of time and change that. I wish I would've told him how I felt, how I truly was scared and not brave like I pretend to be, and how if that was the last time I could hold him I wanted to make it count.

I don't know how I would go on without him, I can't even imagine. I know we military wives have to be upbeat and positive, and for the most part I am, but I have my moments of weakeness to. That IS my husband out there, and his job IS dangerous. I'll never always be positive, and I know any military wife will agree with me about that.

I just want him home. I want to hold him and tell him all the things I didn't have the courage or good sense to say two months ago.

I feel ok by day... but OH MAN, when night falls, it's an entirely different story. I sit here, alone, on a Friday night... and yes, it's by choice. I just DON'T want to be around other people right now. Sometimes I try to honestly analyze myself so I don't sink into a depression. Am I depressed? It's hard to tell when I'm so biased towards myself. I don't THINK I'm depressed, but I also don't think it's normal to sit at home alone when I could at least be in the company of others. It can't be normal to ignore phone calls and text messages just because I feel I don't have the strength to pretend my world isn't falling apart. With him gone, I'M gone. I'm not myself. I have the perfect little house in our hometown, RIGHT across the street from the school I teach at. My career is the most fulfilling aspect of my life, second to him. Yet I still don't want to be around other people at night, even though I find pleasure in other things. I really don't know... I hope I'm just in a funk right now. Probably so.

"I want my life back... I want to hear your voice and see your face everyday when I get off. I want what I had when I laid down in the arms of the man that believed in me, and the woman I used to be. I want my life back."

Sometimes I wonder if this deployment will ever end. And then I wonder how on earth I can wonder that only a MONTH into it. I am one of the strongest people in this world, yet I struggle so... It makes me really feel for those spouses who have a hard time finding inner strength. If I am having such a difficult time, I can't imagine how they feel. I thank God everyday for the blessings bestowed upon me. I have a strong, stable marriage,

a career that is fulfilling,

a sense of accomplishment,

beautiful, ambitious dreams,

supportive family,

all my basic needs met,

and a healthy body...

...

Much to be grateful for.

One year wedding anniversary

Yesterday was our one year wedding anniversary. I woke up feeling terribly shaky and unsure of how the day would unravel. I had my friend's wedding to go to (I KNOW, ironic she chose MY anniversary to wed) and she needed me to plaster a smile and faux dynamic positive attitude, so that's what I tried to do. I can honestly say I did enjoy myself, though every minute that passed I couldn't help but feel like I didn't belong there. I belonged with my husband, celebrating our first year of our fabulous marriage. I will say... it was one of the toughest days of my life. I can't remember a time I've been so scared that I was going to break down in front of a group of people.

I love my husband more than anyone in this world, and I hope that soon he will find his peace during this deployment. I'd take all his pain as my own if there was any way possible...

It's almost been officially a month since hubby deployed. I have been great up until this past week... and suddenly, this busy agenda no longer shadows my sadness. I miss him with a passion that I never thought possible. It numbs me to think that I'm starting to forget what it feels like when he holds me. I cling to all these memories, and am disheartened to find some of them slipping. I need this man. Yes, I know that all along, but I think I took it for granted... or perhaps didn't quite see it that way until he was gone. We talk fairly regularly, and I appreciate

the frequency of his calls, but even that doesn't

The girls at a pool hall...

seem to abate the pain. I know I'll be fine, I'm just having a difficult week, with school starting back up and the stress that goes with a fresh school year.
On that note, I absolutely cannot wait to start this school year. I think I have a superb class... several teacher's kids that I already know who are good kids. Then I know of a few stinkers in my class... and they are the ones who make it fun. They are really the ones who keep me on my toes, and make the day fly by. I swear when I'm at school it feels like i'm there 2 hours, rather than 7. That's when you know you love your job.
I love my soldier. Can't wait to have him home on R&R.