10 July 09 he said goodbye. I watched him walk away with the men he had trained the past year with, who he trusted with the most important thing in my world: his life. Long hours of grueling, mindnumbing preparation culminated in this one emotional moment.

The hardest thing I ever did was let him go.

Sure, it was heartwrenching and tumultuous when my grandpa died. When my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had to watch my hero endure the most physically exhausting battle imaginable for her. A few years later, my dad, who raised me mostly singlehandedly was diagnosed with liver cancer. I lost dear friends to car accidents, drugs, suicide, poor choices. Even with all these emotionally trying events passing before my eyes, they still didn't compare, even cumulatively, to my husband deploying. At least with these other incidents I knew what to expect, had closure, or could physically and emotionally be IN the whole situation. This I had no control over. I went back to the truck and absolutely poured my eyes and heart out to the steering wheel. I honestly didn't know how I'd make it.

Six months passed and over the course of this time I learned how to "survive". Not deal, not cope, not even manage, but survive. I found strength in family, friends, career, and hobbies. Even the gruesome, detailed nightmares wouldn't bring him home, so I had to learn how to survive WITH my struggles. R and R finally arrived...

Having him home was comparative to experiencing my lifelong dream 20 times over: visiting Amsterdam. In fact, I'd trade a million Amsterdam trips for those two weeks of comfort, relief, and pure, unaltered love. I did not take for granted a single moment, and relished in every hug and kiss. Little did I know that saying goodbye to send him BACK to that hell would be even harder than the first time around. Wasn't I a pro by now?

Airport security of course let me through to wait for the plane with him. The ticket monitor admitted all the passengers. My dear husband waited until the last. Graciously, they extended our time by about five minutes while I broke down and sobbed all over his freshly pressed ACU's. Hadn't we endured enough? Would this cruel event EVER pass? I watched the strongest man I know pray to God to bring him home to me through choked sobs and violent shudders. I'll never forget that pit in my stomach when I watched him walk away for the second time... let him walk away to endure six more months of hell.

Little did we know, that pit in my stomach wasn't just nerves. We had made a miracle together on his brief leave. I would gladly give up my freedom, rights, soul, and happiness just to assure he was able to hold his baby when he's born. I wonder if I'll "survive" these next two months. I wonder often. In fact, sometimes it stops me in my tracks and I'm overcome with tears of fear, sadness, and loneliness. Nobody would guess that I struggle as I do. I don't outwardly show it to anyone but him.

Please God bring my soldier home. Let him hold his baby and teach him how to fish. Give him this year of his life back so he can enjoy what all the rest of us have for the past year: freedom. And after you take care of him, please give me some strength. I'm running low.

The weekend

I wish my neighbor wasn't outside grilling... it makes me miss my husband terribly. That's OUR activity together. I suppose the world can't stop just because mine is gone though. I need to look at it as something to look forward to.

What a marvelous weekend! Enjoyed a brisk walk with my puppy and a good friend yesterday, and it was great to get the exercise around the park. Then, went to the Tulsa Talons football game... witnessed one mouthy man being escorted off while another in a back brace (who could barely walk!) mouthed off repeatedly to the largest, 360 pound man on the team. You wouldn't be that ignorant if there wasn't a bar between the two of you. Then, sure enough, when the football player had enough, the man backed down and tried to talk all nice. Today was equally as beautiful as yesterday, and I enjoyed it at the park with my best friend and her daughter, and the puppy again. Came home, took a leisurely cat nap, and have just awakened with a feeling that I can actually EAT. This food aversion business has really been terrible... absolutely NOTHING sounds appealing to me, and it's hard to force myself to eat. I thought pregnancy was supposed to be all about reintroducing yourself to the wonderment of forbidden foods you hadn't eaten since you were a kid, but wanted to just about every second of the day? Nope, not here. I guess I have always been unique though...

Daddy's Boy

Baby got to hear Daddy's voice for the first time today... and I swear he was doing somersaults in my belly! This kid is going to be DADDY'S BABY. My husband told me that being able to talk to both of us today, and hear my voice, brought a tear to his eye. It's been 3 months since I've heard his voice! I'm so glad this is almost over with. I remember when this deployment began, I would wonder how I was going to survive it. Yet somehow, I DID!

Easter Sunday at my in laws was a little tough... I see his personality in every one of them, and it breaks my heart knowing he couldn't be there to share in the fun. I am relieved, however, that he was fed well. I would have had a very hard time eating, had I not known that. This time next Easter, our baby will be six months old and watching the big kids hunt Easter eggs! And my husband will be in my arms, telling me that at least this year I didn't look like I, myself, had a giant Easter egg under my dress (hahaha).

My life is so blessed. I can't imagine spending it with any other man.