I feel ok by day... but OH MAN, when night falls, it's an entirely different story. I sit here, alone, on a Friday night... and yes, it's by choice. I just DON'T want to be around other people right now. Sometimes I try to honestly analyze myself so I don't sink into a depression. Am I depressed? It's hard to tell when I'm so biased towards myself. I don't THINK I'm depressed, but I also don't think it's normal to sit at home alone when I could at least be in the company of others. It can't be normal to ignore phone calls and text messages just because I feel I don't have the strength to pretend my world isn't falling apart. With him gone, I'M gone. I'm not myself. I have the perfect little house in our hometown, RIGHT across the street from the school I teach at. My career is the most fulfilling aspect of my life, second to him. Yet I still don't want to be around other people at night, even though I find pleasure in other things. I really don't know... I hope I'm just in a funk right now. Probably so.

"I want my life back... I want to hear your voice and see your face everyday when I get off. I want what I had when I laid down in the arms of the man that believed in me, and the woman I used to be. I want my life back."

Sometimes I wonder if this deployment will ever end. And then I wonder how on earth I can wonder that only a MONTH into it. I am one of the strongest people in this world, yet I struggle so... It makes me really feel for those spouses who have a hard time finding inner strength. If I am having such a difficult time, I can't imagine how they feel. I thank God everyday for the blessings bestowed upon me. I have a strong, stable marriage,

a career that is fulfilling,

a sense of accomplishment,

beautiful, ambitious dreams,

supportive family,

all my basic needs met,

and a healthy body...

...

Much to be grateful for.