My worst fears

I'm glad I have this website, where I can unleash all my fears and pain. I have a hard time doing that with anyone but him, and I told him as much today. I am so terrified of something happening to him over there. I think recently is the first time I've really faced the fact that the outcome of this could be bad. It hits me really hard because he's almost been deployed two months, and I'm JUST coming to terms with this. I should've done this two months ago when he was in my arms. He tried, God did he ever try, to get me to open up about death... to think about it and talk about it with him... but in the end, he did all the talking and I just sat there emotionless. I wish more than anything that I could turn back the hands of time and change that. I wish I would've told him how I felt, how I truly was scared and not brave like I pretend to be, and how if that was the last time I could hold him I wanted to make it count.

I don't know how I would go on without him, I can't even imagine. I know we military wives have to be upbeat and positive, and for the most part I am, but I have my moments of weakeness to. That IS my husband out there, and his job IS dangerous. I'll never always be positive, and I know any military wife will agree with me about that.

I just want him home. I want to hold him and tell him all the things I didn't have the courage or good sense to say two months ago.

I feel ok by day... but OH MAN, when night falls, it's an entirely different story. I sit here, alone, on a Friday night... and yes, it's by choice. I just DON'T want to be around other people right now. Sometimes I try to honestly analyze myself so I don't sink into a depression. Am I depressed? It's hard to tell when I'm so biased towards myself. I don't THINK I'm depressed, but I also don't think it's normal to sit at home alone when I could at least be in the company of others. It can't be normal to ignore phone calls and text messages just because I feel I don't have the strength to pretend my world isn't falling apart. With him gone, I'M gone. I'm not myself. I have the perfect little house in our hometown, RIGHT across the street from the school I teach at. My career is the most fulfilling aspect of my life, second to him. Yet I still don't want to be around other people at night, even though I find pleasure in other things. I really don't know... I hope I'm just in a funk right now. Probably so.

"I want my life back... I want to hear your voice and see your face everyday when I get off. I want what I had when I laid down in the arms of the man that believed in me, and the woman I used to be. I want my life back."

Sometimes I wonder if this deployment will ever end. And then I wonder how on earth I can wonder that only a MONTH into it. I am one of the strongest people in this world, yet I struggle so... It makes me really feel for those spouses who have a hard time finding inner strength. If I am having such a difficult time, I can't imagine how they feel. I thank God everyday for the blessings bestowed upon me. I have a strong, stable marriage,

a career that is fulfilling,

a sense of accomplishment,

beautiful, ambitious dreams,

supportive family,

all my basic needs met,

and a healthy body...

...

Much to be grateful for.

One year wedding anniversary

Yesterday was our one year wedding anniversary. I woke up feeling terribly shaky and unsure of how the day would unravel. I had my friend's wedding to go to (I KNOW, ironic she chose MY anniversary to wed) and she needed me to plaster a smile and faux dynamic positive attitude, so that's what I tried to do. I can honestly say I did enjoy myself, though every minute that passed I couldn't help but feel like I didn't belong there. I belonged with my husband, celebrating our first year of our fabulous marriage. I will say... it was one of the toughest days of my life. I can't remember a time I've been so scared that I was going to break down in front of a group of people.

I love my husband more than anyone in this world, and I hope that soon he will find his peace during this deployment. I'd take all his pain as my own if there was any way possible...

It's almost been officially a month since hubby deployed. I have been great up until this past week... and suddenly, this busy agenda no longer shadows my sadness. I miss him with a passion that I never thought possible. It numbs me to think that I'm starting to forget what it feels like when he holds me. I cling to all these memories, and am disheartened to find some of them slipping. I need this man. Yes, I know that all along, but I think I took it for granted... or perhaps didn't quite see it that way until he was gone. We talk fairly regularly, and I appreciate

the frequency of his calls, but even that doesn't

The girls at a pool hall...

seem to abate the pain. I know I'll be fine, I'm just having a difficult week, with school starting back up and the stress that goes with a fresh school year.
On that note, I absolutely cannot wait to start this school year. I think I have a superb class... several teacher's kids that I already know who are good kids. Then I know of a few stinkers in my class... and they are the ones who make it fun. They are really the ones who keep me on my toes, and make the day fly by. I swear when I'm at school it feels like i'm there 2 hours, rather than 7. That's when you know you love your job.
I love my soldier. Can't wait to have him home on R&R.

Chocolate deployment

Well, my husband has officially been deployed 18 days today. While this isn't the LONGEST we've been apart, it's certainly the longest with limited contact. There are times I miss him so severely I don't seem to remember how to function, and then there are times I feel like I'm going to make it. I assume this is normal. I'm fortunate to have a very active life outside of him (though I'd obviously much rather INCLUDE him in all these activities). I have been busy getting my classroom set up for this upcoming school year. I can't believe it's the year 2009-2010. It's astounding how quickly time flies.
I, being a teacher, have created a visual "countdown", if I may call it that. I have put malted milkballs in one jar with a sad face, and then placed a jar with a happy face next to it. Each day that passes I put one milkball from the sad face jar to the happy face jar. When the happy jar is filled, the deployment is halfway over! I need this tangible evidence of progression, otherwise I might clinically go insane! I suppose I didn't entirely think it through, however, seeing as how the majority of my friends have young children who would LOVE to get their hands on an entire jar of chocolate. Needless to say, the jar has to be closely monitored when they're around (although I think to myself how much faster the deployment would seem to move if they ate just a few... I wish deployment days really worked like that! Ah, I don't want this day, so I'm just going to throw it in the jar and count it towards the progression of the deployment).
Well, my granddad is on his way over to install some shelves in my utility room.

It's been a long while since I've been on here, though I'm unsure why. The past couple months I've lived in New York with hubby have been incredible, but I'll admit there were times I was pretty bored. Why didn't I get online and write a blog? I think there was just too much going through my head, and it exhausted me to even THINK about putting it all into words...

He leaves in two days, and I know he's ready to get it going. I'm ready for him to get it going because it's what he's called to do. Plus, on a more selfish note, I'm ready to get back to a normal lifestyle... not that anything's ever normal in the Army. I'm ready to get back to our home in Oklahoma and back to my teaching job. I'm beyond ready to see my family and friends, and be able to DRIVE MY OWN CAR, instead of asking to borrow his truck. There ARE positives to him leaving, and that's what I'm aiming towards thinking about right now.

Currently, we're moving all the furniture out of our New York house... well, he and a friend are. I'm sitting here waiting on him to bring trash bags so I can clean the house. We hope to be out by tomorrow, and intend to stay in a hotel the next two nights.

I miss home, so I can only imagine how homesick he is.

thinking

Sitting here, listening to my husband talk to his mom on the phone. She's coming up this weekend to spend some time with him before he deploys. I'm really excited that she will be here soon... I positively love my mother-in-law. And I think it will be good for him to see her again before he deploys.
Just thinking about the limited amount of time we have left, and all the things about him I'm going to miss. The way he absentmindedly plays with any object nearby when he's talking on the phone, the look of pure concentration that covers his face when he's seasoning our meat for the grill, or the way he glances periodically through the window of our house to see what I'm up to while I'm inside talking to a friend and he's outside smoking a cig.
This man is my world, and I admire so many things about him. He has helped me become a better person. There were so many negative things about myself that needed improvement before I got back with him. He helped me see these things, without pointing them out a bit.
The world is a better place for having him as a soldier. And I couldn't be happier to say he's mine.