Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It's the final countdown!
Per OPSEC, I am unable to disclose the exact amount of days until my soldier returns home... but I will say, it is less than two months! Contrary to the way I have felt on NUMEROUS days of this deployment, it has gone by rather quickly. I remember, last July, wondering how in the WORLD 12-15 months would "fly by", as other spouses had told me. I've had a lot of great distractions though, and for this I am blessed. I can't wait to have him back where he belongs, even though technically, it will be a long time before either of us are back where we "belong". I look forward to our upcoming PCS, even though I am scared witless at the same time. And what perfect timing to bring our first precious darling in the world- early October when there is NO deployment looming in his too near future. Things are looking up! :)
Monday, April 26, 2010
10 July 09 he said goodbye. I watched him walk away with the men he had trained the past year with, who he trusted with the most important thing in my world: his life. Long hours of grueling, mindnumbing preparation culminated in this one emotional moment.
The hardest thing I ever did was let him go.
Sure, it was heartwrenching and tumultuous when my grandpa died. When my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had to watch my hero endure the most physically exhausting battle imaginable for her. A few years later, my dad, who raised me mostly singlehandedly was diagnosed with liver cancer. I lost dear friends to car accidents, drugs, suicide, poor choices. Even with all these emotionally trying events passing before my eyes, they still didn't compare, even cumulatively, to my husband deploying. At least with these other incidents I knew what to expect, had closure, or could physically and emotionally be IN the whole situation. This I had no control over. I went back to the truck and absolutely poured my eyes and heart out to the steering wheel. I honestly didn't know how I'd make it.
Six months passed and over the course of this time I learned how to "survive". Not deal, not cope, not even manage, but survive. I found strength in family, friends, career, and hobbies. Even the gruesome, detailed nightmares wouldn't bring him home, so I had to learn how to survive WITH my struggles. R and R finally arrived...
Having him home was comparative to experiencing my lifelong dream 20 times over: visiting Amsterdam. In fact, I'd trade a million Amsterdam trips for those two weeks of comfort, relief, and pure, unaltered love. I did not take for granted a single moment, and relished in every hug and kiss. Little did I know that saying goodbye to send him BACK to that hell would be even harder than the first time around. Wasn't I a pro by now?
Airport security of course let me through to wait for the plane with him. The ticket monitor admitted all the passengers. My dear husband waited until the last. Graciously, they extended our time by about five minutes while I broke down and sobbed all over his freshly pressed ACU's. Hadn't we endured enough? Would this cruel event EVER pass? I watched the strongest man I know pray to God to bring him home to me through choked sobs and violent shudders. I'll never forget that pit in my stomach when I watched him walk away for the second time... let him walk away to endure six more months of hell.
Little did we know, that pit in my stomach wasn't just nerves. We had made a miracle together on his brief leave. I would gladly give up my freedom, rights, soul, and happiness just to assure he was able to hold his baby when he's born. I wonder if I'll "survive" these next two months. I wonder often. In fact, sometimes it stops me in my tracks and I'm overcome with tears of fear, sadness, and loneliness. Nobody would guess that I struggle as I do. I don't outwardly show it to anyone but him.
Please God bring my soldier home. Let him hold his baby and teach him how to fish. Give him this year of his life back so he can enjoy what all the rest of us have for the past year: freedom. And after you take care of him, please give me some strength. I'm running low.
The hardest thing I ever did was let him go.
Sure, it was heartwrenching and tumultuous when my grandpa died. When my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had to watch my hero endure the most physically exhausting battle imaginable for her. A few years later, my dad, who raised me mostly singlehandedly was diagnosed with liver cancer. I lost dear friends to car accidents, drugs, suicide, poor choices. Even with all these emotionally trying events passing before my eyes, they still didn't compare, even cumulatively, to my husband deploying. At least with these other incidents I knew what to expect, had closure, or could physically and emotionally be IN the whole situation. This I had no control over. I went back to the truck and absolutely poured my eyes and heart out to the steering wheel. I honestly didn't know how I'd make it.
Six months passed and over the course of this time I learned how to "survive". Not deal, not cope, not even manage, but survive. I found strength in family, friends, career, and hobbies. Even the gruesome, detailed nightmares wouldn't bring him home, so I had to learn how to survive WITH my struggles. R and R finally arrived...
Having him home was comparative to experiencing my lifelong dream 20 times over: visiting Amsterdam. In fact, I'd trade a million Amsterdam trips for those two weeks of comfort, relief, and pure, unaltered love. I did not take for granted a single moment, and relished in every hug and kiss. Little did I know that saying goodbye to send him BACK to that hell would be even harder than the first time around. Wasn't I a pro by now?
Airport security of course let me through to wait for the plane with him. The ticket monitor admitted all the passengers. My dear husband waited until the last. Graciously, they extended our time by about five minutes while I broke down and sobbed all over his freshly pressed ACU's. Hadn't we endured enough? Would this cruel event EVER pass? I watched the strongest man I know pray to God to bring him home to me through choked sobs and violent shudders. I'll never forget that pit in my stomach when I watched him walk away for the second time... let him walk away to endure six more months of hell.
Little did we know, that pit in my stomach wasn't just nerves. We had made a miracle together on his brief leave. I would gladly give up my freedom, rights, soul, and happiness just to assure he was able to hold his baby when he's born. I wonder if I'll "survive" these next two months. I wonder often. In fact, sometimes it stops me in my tracks and I'm overcome with tears of fear, sadness, and loneliness. Nobody would guess that I struggle as I do. I don't outwardly show it to anyone but him.
Please God bring my soldier home. Let him hold his baby and teach him how to fish. Give him this year of his life back so he can enjoy what all the rest of us have for the past year: freedom. And after you take care of him, please give me some strength. I'm running low.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The weekend
I wish my neighbor wasn't outside grilling... it makes me miss my husband terribly. That's OUR activity together. I suppose the world can't stop just because mine is gone though. I need to look at it as something to look forward to.
What a marvelous weekend! Enjoyed a brisk walk with my puppy and a good friend yesterday, and it was great to get the exercise around the park. Then, went to the Tulsa Talons football game... witnessed one mouthy man being escorted off while another in a back brace (who could barely walk!) mouthed off repeatedly to the largest, 360 pound man on the team. You wouldn't be that ignorant if there wasn't a bar between the two of you. Then, sure enough, when the football player had enough, the man backed down and tried to talk all nice. Today was equally as beautiful as yesterday, and I enjoyed it at the park with my best friend and her daughter, and the puppy again. Came home, took a leisurely cat nap, and have just awakened with a feeling that I can actually EAT. This food aversion business has really been terrible... absolutely NOTHING sounds appealing to me, and it's hard to force myself to eat. I thought pregnancy was supposed to be all about reintroducing yourself to the wonderment of forbidden foods you hadn't eaten since you were a kid, but wanted to just about every second of the day? Nope, not here. I guess I have always been unique though...
What a marvelous weekend! Enjoyed a brisk walk with my puppy and a good friend yesterday, and it was great to get the exercise around the park. Then, went to the Tulsa Talons football game... witnessed one mouthy man being escorted off while another in a back brace (who could barely walk!) mouthed off repeatedly to the largest, 360 pound man on the team. You wouldn't be that ignorant if there wasn't a bar between the two of you. Then, sure enough, when the football player had enough, the man backed down and tried to talk all nice. Today was equally as beautiful as yesterday, and I enjoyed it at the park with my best friend and her daughter, and the puppy again. Came home, took a leisurely cat nap, and have just awakened with a feeling that I can actually EAT. This food aversion business has really been terrible... absolutely NOTHING sounds appealing to me, and it's hard to force myself to eat. I thought pregnancy was supposed to be all about reintroducing yourself to the wonderment of forbidden foods you hadn't eaten since you were a kid, but wanted to just about every second of the day? Nope, not here. I guess I have always been unique though...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Daddy's Boy
Baby got to hear Daddy's voice for the first time today... and I swear he was doing somersaults in my belly! This kid is going to be DADDY'S BABY. My husband told me that being able to talk to both of us today, and hear my voice, brought a tear to his eye. It's been 3 months since I've heard his voice! I'm so glad this is almost over with. I remember when this deployment began, I would wonder how I was going to survive it. Yet somehow, I DID!
Easter Sunday at my in laws was a little tough... I see his personality in every one of them, and it breaks my heart knowing he couldn't be there to share in the fun. I am relieved, however, that he was fed well. I would have had a very hard time eating, had I not known that. This time next Easter, our baby will be six months old and watching the big kids hunt Easter eggs! And my husband will be in my arms, telling me that at least this year I didn't look like I, myself, had a giant Easter egg under my dress (hahaha).
My life is so blessed. I can't imagine spending it with any other man.
Easter Sunday at my in laws was a little tough... I see his personality in every one of them, and it breaks my heart knowing he couldn't be there to share in the fun. I am relieved, however, that he was fed well. I would have had a very hard time eating, had I not known that. This time next Easter, our baby will be six months old and watching the big kids hunt Easter eggs! And my husband will be in my arms, telling me that at least this year I didn't look like I, myself, had a giant Easter egg under my dress (hahaha).
My life is so blessed. I can't imagine spending it with any other man.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Your heartbeat heals me
"I'm going home... back to the place where I belong, and where your love has always been enough for me. I'm not running from (**AFGHANISTAN!!**). No, I think you've got me all wrong. I don't regret this life I chose for me. But these places and these faces are getting old. So, I'm going home."
I'm SO proud of him. He's ready to come home, after 8 and a half months of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, but he's the bravest person I've ever met. He understands that duty calls, and he makes the best of it. I don't feel it possible to find a more admirable man in this whole world. Only 3 and a half more months, and we're back in New York... TOGETHER!!! :)
I have come to a realization of which I've shared with a few people. I truly feel God was watching over me this year by giving me the group of students that He did. I've always had good groups, but this year is different. They are entirely unique. They bend over backwards to be good kids, and they've been just what I needed to get through this deployment/the lonely beginning of the pregnancy. I just hope I've helped them even half as much as they have me. I am blessed!
All is well with baby! I'm 12 weeks, 5 days today. I had my second appointment, and it took forever to find the little stinkers heartbeat because he kept jumping around all over the place! He is definitely his father's child. And no, I don't know if "he's" a "he". It's just what came out of my mind, automatically. A sign, perhaps?
I'm SO proud of him. He's ready to come home, after 8 and a half months of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, but he's the bravest person I've ever met. He understands that duty calls, and he makes the best of it. I don't feel it possible to find a more admirable man in this whole world. Only 3 and a half more months, and we're back in New York... TOGETHER!!! :)
I have come to a realization of which I've shared with a few people. I truly feel God was watching over me this year by giving me the group of students that He did. I've always had good groups, but this year is different. They are entirely unique. They bend over backwards to be good kids, and they've been just what I needed to get through this deployment/the lonely beginning of the pregnancy. I just hope I've helped them even half as much as they have me. I am blessed!
All is well with baby! I'm 12 weeks, 5 days today. I had my second appointment, and it took forever to find the little stinkers heartbeat because he kept jumping around all over the place! He is definitely his father's child. And no, I don't know if "he's" a "he". It's just what came out of my mind, automatically. A sign, perhaps?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Pregnancy
Wow, has it ever been awhile since I've posted! I have been so neglectful of my wide fan base (hahaha right). Well, hubby came home for R and R last month... and...we...became...pregnant! So, we're expecting our first child. :) This is a really joyous time for us. I have been missing him even moreso lately (hormones!!!), extremely nauseous, and absolutely downright exhausted, but I'm proud to say we will be parents this year!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Negativity
I look back at this blog and I realize how negative I've been. There are so many positives to being an Army wife... and those are the things I point out to people when they stare at me, wide mouthed, after I tell them my husband reenlisted. I am ecstatic about this choice, but you would never imagine that after reading these entries. The only time I come to this website is when I am down and feel I need to vent. The remainder of the days are really ok. I look forward to moving to our next duty station, meeting new people, and getting settled in a new house and school district. I'm a bit of a tomboy, so I like having all his male friends around to bs with. Most of the time I feel I can relate better to guys than girls. I REALLY love the Army wife friends I made at the last duty station, so I feel positive that I'll make many more meaningful, lasting friendships. My husband's career is never in jeopardy... he doesn't have to worry about layoffs! Who can beat that! These are just a FEW of the positives I can list. For a realistic, border optimistic, person I sure seem negative!!! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
